Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

[Arriving at party]

Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?

Me: I was told “infancy dress”.

Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

*girl uploads photo*

her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍

I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

😭😭

13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time