Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

podcasts

When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.