Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

Regular gangs give you a nickname

Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

¯_(ツ)_/¯

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*

spider: yeah that way’s fine too

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.

why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.