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teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Monday?
No. Next question.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*