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Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room