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and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.