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[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT