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Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
This sounds bad:
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
This kid is a star!
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
Good point.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
*pronounces patio like ratio
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY