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Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
I have so many questions.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials