You Might Also Like
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Free him
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Unmatched
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity