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My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.