Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

[1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

are americans worse off?

in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.

MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.