Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️

Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

My dad is at it again

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

consequences, the bane of my existence

*world is ending*

Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

*new parents*

Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.

Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!