Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit

Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

Things that keep me up at night #6874

The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

Dance like you’re not the father

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.