Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes

Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.