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me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
mechanics be like
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3