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Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
This trial is so absurd 😭
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
sir, my pâté if you please
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go