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Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.