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*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
🤣
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.