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*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Lol.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.