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doing your own taxes
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Anime is real
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.