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My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut