5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
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What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.