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Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u