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Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.