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I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
If I had a dollar for every time a first-time pregnant woman looked me in the face and told me she could tell that her baby was gonna have a “chill personality,” I could buy you a Subway™️ sandwich. Not one of the cheap ones either, one of the limited series.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.