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[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.