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*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Birds & Planes.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!