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No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
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Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
wtf is a larm clock?
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.