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[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
m’lady
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
need a new bf mines broken 😐
