Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

this made my day 😂

When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today

Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

*opens Advil*

*takes Advil*

*closes Advil*

*looks at husband*

“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming