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*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*