Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?

ME: I took care of it.

BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER