Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

The bath is too wet

– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.

Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?

CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.

Me: …Oh

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!

Me:

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao

Me: what stopped you

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.