Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.

If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

I’m already scared

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich

ME: Damn I bet it’s so good

DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27

*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

Introducing ManBat

A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.

On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’

On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’

British people

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

making sure he doesnt get away

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming