Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

Thursday

Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

man: hey do you take walk-ins

cremator: excuse me what

The Backseat Boys

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

I feel attacked.