Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

put ‘er there pardner!

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

“sticks and stones may break my bones”

“got it, thank you!”

“wait there’s more”

“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”

Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!

funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!

*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.