Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

“The world is finally getting back to normal”

Omicron:

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?