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me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Watson was Holmes schooled
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
☠️ ☠️
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.