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Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now