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God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Are you ok, human???
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.