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blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
Beware…..
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.