Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
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*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands