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some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
scared to check what name she chose
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
A ghost story
Hit me in the face with a bird
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
