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I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
hackers play passwordle
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Current mood: Potato
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.