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JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.