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A bold strategy
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
dutch so unserious
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Cardio Made Easy
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.