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interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
i made a craigslist ad !
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day