Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women

Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?

In a pewpewpew

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”