[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
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[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM