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Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one