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Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
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my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*