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[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”
Human are so complicated
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
mumsnet is amazing
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
🛁
Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.