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To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
I’m crying im so happy for them
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
sugar glider wrangler
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
me: my friends:
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.