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they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on