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If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Split the bill
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.