55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
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Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Many hands make light work
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem