Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

😆this is so true

Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.

Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

plant them where lol

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!

There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question