55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
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Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
me when the borders lift
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Am I having a stroke?
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.