Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids

Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.

Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.

Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

United Steaks of America

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”