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I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?