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[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
They also CAN sing✌️
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
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I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years