You Might Also Like
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.