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Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Already got one
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
TODAY
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?