You Might Also Like
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.