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My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Hamburger Hinderer.