You Might Also Like
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
you have three unread messages
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse