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I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
The Sun
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!