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Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
Very good! 👍😂
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*