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Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse