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Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
best review i’ve ever seen
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.