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Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
it’s finally my moment to shine
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
If twitter has taught me anything alot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?