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If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I’m not lazy
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…