Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
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I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”