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The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this